DarkJoy

There is no other way, no other road, but the one put before me.  Obstacle ridden, and filled with challenges yet to be discovered, it is the path I must walk if a chance at long lasting happiness is to be mine.  Admittedly, I have been afraid to move forward without any assurances.  However, somewhere inside, in the deepest corners of my soul, I know that this is the course I must follow.

In the last few days, I’ve struggled to let go of a situation that on the surface does not appear to be good for me.  Jane essentially gave me two choices: become a man of (Christian) Faith, or leave. As someone who does not respond well to ultimatums, or any form of bullying, my first reaction was to stand my ground.  Even when being pressured into something that will likely benefit me, I resist, defiantly.  Since our last discussion however, I’ve realized that I can’t simply walk away.  Whatever strength I thought I had pales in comparison to the forces that draw me to her.  For whatever reason, I simply can’t let go.

I’ve been here before.  See any of my posts for the month of September and October.  Once again, as hard as I try to accept that it is game over between us, I just can’t.  I can’t give up as long as I know there is still something that can be done to turn it all around.  This morning I woke up knowing what I have to do.  Come next Sunday, I’ll go forward, unafraid, to possibly meet my destiny.  And I’ll leave it up to God, Fate, or the Universe (whatever you want to call it) to decide what will be.

“As long as we proceed with everything we have, success is not impossible.”  That’s all there is to it.

Posted in: lionheart, resurreccion by PrimeraEspada /
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Straight to the point.  Jane finally came back.  We talked briefly over MSN, where she told me about her decision to end her pursuit to become a dental hygienist.  She tried her best, but in the end she felt that she wasn’t going to make it.  I sympathized deeply with her.  It’s not easy to give up on a dream.

She said that she was sorry to leave me hanging for so long, but that she just needed to think (where have I heard this before…).  The last couple of weeks had been confusing for her.  She felt very lost without her sense of ambition, and was not sure what direction to take next.  I told her that what’s important now is for her to figure out her life, there’ll be time for us to talk later.

Eventually she asked me if I’d be able to accompany her to church sometime soon.  We’ve had discussions about faith in the past, and she expressed that it was important to her to have a partner that had the same embrace as she.  My family is heavily Christian but I’ve never fully gotten behind the idea of organised religion.  However, because it was important to her, and she was important to me, I told her I was willing to re-explore my faith.  At that time, this answer seemed good for her, but in our last conversation, her tune changed.  Suddenly, it was important to have that figured out before there was a chance of us exploring our relationship.  Needless to say that was a major w.t.f moment.

I told her that I’d like to discuss that issue as well as the many others that have been sitting on the back burner face to face, where it will be much easier to understand each other.  Despite my wishes she insisted on having a discussion then and there, one that lasted more than an hour.  After several misunderstandings, the talk ended on a note that was not very satisfactory for either of us, but with a tone that seem to leave the door open for further discussion and understanding.  This morning she emailed me to say that 1) she absolutely does not want to be with someone who isn’t of the same faith as she, nor does she want to have it forced upon a potential partner, and 2) that she feels there are other aspects of our personalities that don’t mesh that she cannot get passed.  She “knows deep down” that we are not right for each other.  That is quite a different song from the one she sung just over a month ago.

I replied telling her that differences will always exist in a relationship and that that is normal.  She and I have many differences, and we also share many powerful similarities.  At this point however, it is becoming painfully clear that certain differences between us will never be overcome, nor will some be accepted by the other.  She won’t accept my apparent lack of faith.  I won’t accept her  seeming unwillingness to compromise about any issue.  I sense that it will always be one demand (or excuse) after another with her, and that she will never really be satisfied.  I can tolerate a lot of things, but this isn’t one of them.

So that is that.  The end of this dramatic saga.  I felt upset initially, but as the day went on, I’ve come to accept that this is the best way to end things.  It would have become messy down the line, and the last thing I need is another source of hatred in my heart.  One thing that worries me is the effect that this string of failed relationships and reconciliations will have on my outlook.  Not long ago I was too eager to love.  Now, it is the opposite.  I fear that my capacity to care deeply about someone is dwindling, and that soon, there may be nothing left for me to give.

One might say that with time, the capacity to love is replenished.  I’m not so sure anymore…

Posted in: lionheart by PrimeraEspada /
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Last weekend I ended things with M.  For the past several weeks, there had been a noticeable decline in desire to maintain the relationship on both ends.  The few times that we did hang out recently felt more like a charade rather than a relaxing evening.  So in the interest of keeping my slate clean, I decided to take out the trash rid myself of what just wasn’t working.

Admittedly, it wasn’t an easy choice to make.  Though I was reluctant at first to let myself get involved with M., there were still residual feelings left over from our first get together.  After a few weeks, I stopped fighting my feelings and decided to let myself enjoy her company, for as long as it would last.  I wasn’t surprised though, when I noticed a change in our dynamic.  It happened before in the same way.  She started showing signs of her depression returning, so I knew it was a matter of time before things would degrade.  Having been here before and learned from our previous association, I decided to get out while I was still relatively unharmed.

The conversation was a lot less pleasant than I thought it would be.  First texts were exchanged, and then a phone call.  I started by saying that I thought it was becoming pointless to be together when we’re barely going through the motions.  She accused me of not taking enough initiative, and always following her cues.  I told her she only sees it that way because she forgets about the times where I’ve called to make plans and she’s either already busy, or she blew me off because she was asleep for 12 hours (a side effect of her depression).  In the end, our talk was not very civil, and she eventually stopped listening to anything I had to say.  At one point the words “I’m not some rent-a-girlfriend”, and “I have plans for my life that don’t involve a man” were barked.  The call ended after she said very fervently, “I can’t give you any more than this.  I have too many problems to have to deal with this too.  If you want to fix this go ahead and do it”.  Click.  Sayonara.

She’ll probably come out of her dementia in the not to distant future realizing just how ludicrous her perception was at this time.  And then, just at she did when we first reconnected, she’ll likely seek to rekindle what we had.  The difference will be that I have no more questions left to answer.  I can say now without any doubt that she is not someone that I could ever have a happy relationship with.  I even have a hard time picturing us as friends.  There are just far to many differences in our ways of being, and her mental state is far too unpredictable.  Farewell M.,  I wish you good luck in the rest of your life.

And then there’s Jane.  It’s been more than two weeks since she cut me loose and there’s still been no sign of her.  I learned from a mutual friend that she abandoned her academic pursuits.  Apparently it just wasn’t for her.  It makes me sad to hear this because I know how much she wanted to do it.  The other side of the coin is that now the only thing that stands in our way…is us.

Probably against my better judgement, I emailed her to let her know that I was no longer involved, and that, if she is willing, we are free to explore what exists between us.  I figured that it’s worth one last attempt at reconciliation.  That was nearly five days ago, and still no reply.  I’m not expecting much.

While it’s clear that the high on which I entered this new year has subsided significantly, I’m not really down about any of it.  A part of me really feels that I should leave all the negativity of 2009 where it is, gone and buried.  There are far too many new opportunities just waiting to be seized, and far to many (relatively) sane and stable women (I hope) available for me to continue wasting my time with the ones who want to play needless games.

Onward then,  to the next adventure…

Posted in: lionheart by PrimeraEspada /
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Sometimes, my grasp on reality is just too accurate for my own good.  Or maybe I just haven’t learned to fully trust my extra sensory perception and act accordingly.  I have a tendency to foresee how certain scenarios will play out, however when the risks involve my heart, I don’t often enough choose to avoid disappointment.  I guess I’m one to always try and beat the odds.  And lose.

A few weeks ago, as I mentioned in a previous post, Jane came back into my life.  She was seeking to reconnect, both physically and emotionally.  It wasn’t easy for her to express her desires, and when I told her I was currently involved, she reacted poorly.  However, it was clear to both of us that our business was far from over, and the plan was for me to free myself so that we could slowly try to pick up where we left off.  Very.  Slowly.  The last thing either of us needs is a repeat of the train wreck that was our last relationship.

We meant to take things slow, and for the most part that’s the way things went.  We never met face to face, nor did we speak on the phone.  As long as I was still tied to M., that’s all we would allow to pass between us.  Communication was limited to instant messaging and texts, but each exchange carried the weight of our pent up emotions.  We talked of sharing our lives together, coming home to each other, planning how to pay for our three children’s education.  The day dream was endless, and the possibilities found within, limitless.  It felt all too natural, and all too frightening, all at the same time.  I knew now, as I did then when we first started dating, that I was planning the rest of my life with my wife to be.  The unreal sensation was overwhelmingly familiar.

For some reason, I was not able to just embrace what laid before me.  Call it what you will (I like the words ‘Survival Instincts’), but I refuse to let myself get burned more than once by the same person.  Even if I did not have M’s feelings to consider, I still would not rush head first in to Jane’s embrace.  As such, I had no intention of making any rash choices, or to impulsively leap without properly assessing the situation.  Something inside me was compelling me to resist.  I knew the timing was not right, and that it would only lead us to the same end we saw the last time.

Three weeks after making her initial proposition, Jane decided to force my hand.  ”Why haven’t you taken care of that situation yet?”  Because it’s complicated.  I don’t know about you, but it isn’t easy for me to hurt someone’s feelings.  The conversation spun out of control from there.  All Jane could see (in my opinion) is what Jane wanted, and I wasn’t prepared to give in.  Eventually the talk reached a point where the same feelings she had back in September returned, and she was “turned right off”.  She ended the conversation shortly after that.

Even now I still don’t know what it is about the way we communicate that causes her to see red so easily.  I’m fairly certain it has nothing or little to do with anything I actually do or say, and that she simply reacts to the complexes I seem to trigger.  After a few days I reached out with a text, “Are you going to stay mad at me forever?”.  She eventually replied with an email:

“Hi,

I think its best for us to stop communicating. That fight or disagreement as you would call it turned me right off. We obviously don’t see eye to eye on much and I just feel that we will continue to clash.

Take care of yourself,”

Right to the point.  I don’t think I’ll ever understand how she can claim to love me so much, and then seemingly hate everything about me.  I guess that’s just her flavor of crazy.  In the end though, it takes two people willing to talk things out, and for whatever reason, she decided to shut down.  There’s no time like the present to put my most recent lessons to use.  Just roll with it.  Whatever is meant to be will be.  I’ve come to understand that I’m not really the kind of person that succeeds by bending the world to my will.  Rather, I have to bend myself to the world’s demands to get what I want.  In this particular circumstance, there’s no choice but to let it happen.

I knew things would end this way, but I still allowed my heart to get caught in the crossfire.  I’m both saddened and enraged by the way things turned out, and I now have to see about burying for the second time my intense feelings for her.  I don’t know if this really is it, or whether there’s more to come.  The dreams I’ve had in the last few days tells me that my soul isn’t ready to let go.  Maybe it never has.  Maybe it never will.

Posted in: dark rants by PrimeraEspada /
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I want to write.  I really really do.  The last month has seen it’s share of ups and downs (what else is new).  The difference now is that I’m not sure how I feel about what has been going on recently.  Relationships have become messy, but work is stable, and great.  A lot of this feels confusing, and trying to sort it all out is exhausting.  The more I ponder, the darker I feel.

I started this year trying to balance darkness and joy.  For a while there was more of the latter than the former, but in the last week or so, darkness has been struggling to come out and play.  I won’t fight it because I know it won’t do any good.  I’ve got to ride out the storm, let things be until the tide decides to turn yet again.

I’ll try again to write something more coherent in the next few days.  I need the release.

Posted in: dark rants by PrimeraEspada /
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Ichi-go, Ichi-e.  This was the title of a blog I had years ago.  The idea behind this expression is to treat every encounter as if it were the last, to never think “there will always be a next time”.  I’ve always thought that this creed is meant to free one’s mind, so that we learn to act without hesitation in order to acquire the things we desire.  It’s not a bad philosophy, in my opinion.  However, this past weekend, I was reminded that seizing the day never comes without a cost.

It was late friday night.  I was home alone, going head to head with a bottle of Jameson, blasting through season two of Rescue Me, when her first message came (via msn):

“Hey, are you busy?”, “Not with anything important. What’s up?”, “Nothing much.  I just wanted to chat”.

I had had a few conversations with Jane since she started her winter break in early December, but already I could feel the difference in tone.  The stars were about to align to give me something almost unimaginable.

“I miss our dinners.  I miss us going out.”  So do I, though it had been a while since I buried those feelings.  They still exist, surprisingly.  My re association with M. has done little to diminish their strength, I’d soon realize.

“Tell me some of the things you remember.”  Everything.  I remember it all, clearly.  I remember our first meeting, our first conversation, our first kiss under a firework lit sky and to the live sounds of Coldplay.  I remember the long public transit journey back to my place, and our inability to keep our lips apart.  I remember the first time I took you out to dinner, and how the waiter couldn’t bring the check fast enough when we were ready to leave.  I remember cooking meals together, I remember sleeping in together.  I remember it all.  They are memories that can never fade.

“Do you remember that time I was on top of you on your couch?  That was so intense!”.  Um…come again?  This was really unexpected.  Looking back, this is probably where I should have mentioned that I’m seeing someone.  Instead, I went with the flow.  Whiskey tends to induce poor judgement.

As we relived our many, many throes of passion, the conversation eventually came to a point where she proposed we get together.  She asked if I was still single.  Without hesitation, I told her the truth.  ”I’m seeing someone, but it’s hard to say how significant it is.  It’s our second time dating and it did not end well the first time, especially for me.”  She responded with, “I don’t want to step on any toes…”, then later, “Well if it’s not serious, what are you doing wasting your time with her?”, and finally, “I can’t believe you didn’t say you were seeing someone right away!  I asked you what was new, this is something new!  I can’t believe you let me open up like that…I feel deceived”.  I did sympathize, but I think the issue was more related to her not being able to get what she wanted at the drop of a hat.  The conversation came to an end not much later, with the words, “You need to end it with banana brains asap, I need you.”  Tempting.

The next day, my best friend was supposed to come into town to go watch the hockey game.  He had bought tickets months ago, and left them at my place the last time he visited.  Unfortunately for him, his car would not start, and so he would be forced to miss it.  As he said the words, “Find someone else to go with”, Jane came online.  Events could not have transpired more perfectly.  Almost without thinking, I asked her to join me.  ”What about banana? Wouldn’t she want to go?”, “Yes, but she isn’t the next person I would ask to come with me.  You and I haven’t been around each other since September.  I want to see you.”  And she accepted.

An opportunity arose, and I chose to capitalize on it.  I had wanted something like this to come around for so long, and now it was here.  What choice was there other than to take it?  But of course, Fate would not be Fate if it didn’t grant me this chance without the condition of (quite possibly) being in a relationship.  Over the next few hours, I contemplated my choice and the actions I would almost certainly take that evening.  I also thought about the feelings of regret I would have the next day, once the euphoria wore off.  With each passing minute, the anxiety of infidelity wrapped itself around me, an emotional suffocation of overwhelming magnitude.

It was too much.  I called another friend and asked him if he wanted to come with me.  Once he said yes, I told Jane that I could no longer take her because friend A. got his car working and was on his way.  Naturally she was upset.  ”I feel jerked around, you should never have offered in the first place”.  I know, babe, but the cost of my morals and my soul was just too high a price for a night of pleasure.  And what’s more, had that night led to us getting back together, I would have almost certainly planted the idea that I’m a cheater in your mind.  You would always think that I could be doing the same thing to you.  That, above all else, is not something I could ever risk.

We had a few more conversations over the weekend, but the heat of the moment has passed.  My foresight tells me that in a week, two at the most, she’ll forget about me once she settles into the rhythm of her second semester.  Though the idea of that makes me sad, I know it was for the best.

One encounter, One opportunity.  That is, until the next one comes along.

Posted in: lionheart by PrimeraEspada /
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I really wanted to have this up before the start of the new year.  I started writing it on the 28th.  But for some reason I struggled.  And that’s mostly a good thing, as I mention again later.  I don’t feel the need to write as much when things are above sea level.  Anyway, here goes.

——-

I don’t think I will ever be without inner darkness.  No matter what the current state of my life is, it will always exist inside me, a symbiotic soul eater, feeding on my being.  The tragedies of my past can never be erased, so I must learn to live with them.

I’ve felt for some time now that my resurrection has been achieved.  Near the beginning of November I had a fairly intense realization about myself, and since then I’ve felt much less inclined to write out my emotions.  I felt, in retrospect, as though I had reached a new mental plateau, a higher level of self understanding and awareness.  Now I am better equipped to handle the responsibilities of this new phase of my life.

This past year has been tumultuous.  It started in personal chaos, and continued that way throughout.  I embarked on new adventures, in romance and in my professional life, and on each, I discovered what truly is important to me.  I have learned (or relearned) what it is I seek in women and relationships.  I have learned what kind of environment will promote success in my career.  I have learned the importance of gaining mastery over my inner universe, in order to peacefully exist in the randomness of the world.

All the lessons of this year have been significant in their own way, but the one I find the most interesting is with regards to interacting with women.  After a four and a half year relationship (which will forever be remembered as the most important bond of my youth), I had forgotten what it was like to be single and not codependent.  I’d become a grade-A wuss, and needed desperately to refine my game.  Through trial and error (or trial by fire) and some, uh, research, triggering attraction in women has become a lot less difficult.  Every encounter, every flirtation, is now an opportunity to practice the delicate art of seduction.

The last three months of the year saw a lot of reflection on my early days, and how that has shaped the person I am now.  For some time, throughout most of my twenties, I had put aside those memories, perhaps because I felt I could escape them, or that maybe they no longer had any meaning.  I now understand that this can never be true.  We are all a product of the road we have traveled.  To discount any aspect of that path is to neglect a part of who we are.

With this deeper understanding in hand,  I can now, a little more comfortably, begin my second act.  I can never be without my inner darkness.  I can, however, make it a part of me, a source of strength.  Anguish and harmony.  Shadow and light.  Yin and Yang.

Darkness…and joy.

Posted in: lionheart, resurreccion by PrimeraEspada /
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I must apologize.  It’s been far too long since my last entry.  And sadly, I don’t really have a great excuse.  I’ve been wrapped up in my own head for the most part, swimming in a sea of mental and emotional growth.  Hopefully this serves as a quick summary of where I’ve been and where I’ll be going.  No promises to keep this regular in the near future.  If it happens, it happens.

I recently turned Thirty.  Surprisingly, there was no crisis like there was at twenty- five.  Instead I met it with a sort of welcoming and anxious serenity, the way one might feel just before embarking on a new adventure.  Within my mind things felt as though they were finally falling into place in the weeks leading up to my birthday.  Parts of my life and myself that I realized I never truly understood, the parts of emotional and mental strength, started making more sense.  I am eager to see how I meet what the new year will bring.

I’ve also been having the occasional dinner and “dancing” with M.  It’s hard to say what all of it has meant.  I’ve been very reluctant to invest more than the bare minimum of myself, but it’s not quite so easy to do.  Now, as before, she has found a way to charm my heart into the open, though this time, I’ve done so with caution.  Though she sometimes acts as though we are couple, I suspect that I’ll soon be discarded and forgotten, as seems to be the case with Jane.  I’ve learned to just enjoy the good things when they’re around.  The memories will provide comfort and tide you over during the bad times.

This year has been such a roller coaster.  Much has changed, much was lost, much insight has been gained.  Instead of looking to the new year with new hopes and wishes and resolutions, I’ve decided to summarize the things that 2009 has taught me.  Look to future entries, hopefully by the time 2010 rolls in, for me to detail the five things I’ve learned in what will be the last 365 days.

Posted in: lionheart, resurreccion by PrimeraEspada /
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Sigh.  While I was nowhere near fully healed, I felt as though things were about to turn for the better.  And so they have.  In fact, things have come full circle.  The woman who prompted the creation of this blog, this virtual toilet for my thoughts, has made her way back into my life.  For how long, that remains to be seen.

I knew almost from the moment of my last breakup, in mid-September, that November would when the Universe would bring me a new adventure.  So, I wasn’t quite as surprised as I’d might otherwise be when the following exchange took place:

From: M

Subject: Blah

“Do you want to have dinner on Friday?”

Excuse me? I couldn’t believe my eyes.  Why would she decide to message me now of all times?  I don’t want this.  Right?  Best to sit on it, until my subconscious has had time to process and give a true reaction.  Later that day:

“Sure, that sounds like fun. How about that Greek place at the corner of your street?”

And then, over the next day or so,

“that sounds great, what time?”, ”We can meet there around 730. I can’t remember, is it a bring your own wine resto?”, “yes it is. i can bring ze vine”, “Ok sounds good. See you then”.

Great.  I have a date with the woman who unlocked my heart and crushed it in the space of twelve weeks.  I must be crazy, because at no point did I even consider the possibility of reawakened pain.  In fact, my only concern was whether or not her ulterior motive was for a sexual encounter, and if it wasn’t, whether or not I’d be able to turn it into one.  So as the week drew to an end, I took my time to disassemble and remove my heart, and tuck it safely out of harm’s reach.  On to the date.

I arrived at the resto calm, prepared.  There was to be no talk of the relationship, or relationships since, unless she was the one to bring it up.  ”This is pretty good wine, man it’s been so long since I’ve had a glass”.  Not quite awkward commentary, but far from thrilling.  Later I blurt out, “Oh wait, silly me, I had wine a couple of weeks ago when I had dinner with a friend.  She made me drink most of the bottle because she had to prepare for an upcoming exam”.  She sits up suddenly, curiosity burning in her eyes.  ”Which friend is this?”.  Oh, no one special, just my friend I’ve known since high school, who has a bachelor’s in bio chemistry, a master’s in anthropology, and is currently enrolled in McGill medicine.  You did well to hide the bit of jealousy I’m sure you felt.  Not long after, the question, “So have you been dating anyone?”, comes along.  Yeah, I went on a few dates over the summer, and got really serious with one girl (Jane), but it didn’t work out because of blah blah blah (see posts from late September).  ”That sounds hard”.  Yeah, it was, but it was a while ago, and I’m past it for the most part.

Eventually we finish dinner, and our wine, and we struggle to decide what to do next.  ”Would you like to get a drink somewhere?  Or did you want to just go home.  Er, I mean, like go home alone…”  Of course I want to hang out, and no, I most certainly do not want to go home alone.  I suggest we go to a bar near my place, one where we’ve been together a few times.  Her willingness to walk that far in the cold hinted that maybe she doesn’t want to go home alone either.  After a few drinks, she brings up our relationship.  Almost immediately she says she’s sorry that she was such an asshole.  She can barely remember how things unfolded, or who was the one to initiate the break up, something I found quite confusing.  She had talked about it with several friends, and she couldn’t understand why she broke up with someone who was clearly so wonderful.  She mentions that perhaps part of her hesitation was that she felt that maybe I was not her intellectual equal, something she feels is important to have in a relationship.  I wholeheartedly disagree.  Yes, you are working towards a Master’s in Philosophy, but Computer Engineering is no walk in the park.    Our realms of knowledge are at best incomparable.  Mine just happens to be hard or impossible to relate to by most people outside the domain.  And for the record, the breadth of my intellect extends far beyond the world of computing.  You just need to take the time to  look under the hood.  End rant.  I didn’t actually say any of this.

With a bit more discussion, I got the feeling this aspect was no longer as important, or that she was less close-minded about what she considers an intellectual equal.  It felt as though she was relating to me in a different way.  Eventually we finished our drinks, and stumbled around the block back to my place.  After a cigarette on the balcony, we went inside, and into the living room.  We then looked at each other with a, “who are we kidding look”, and hurried to the bedroom.  To get naked…and snuggle.  I had already told her several times that night that I couldn’t wait to fool around with her, but at that point, even I was overwhelmed by the alcohol.  I went in for a good night kiss, which lead to a good night grope, which then lead to good night sex (as well as good morning and good afternoon sex).  ”I forgot how huge you are”, she says in between breaths.  The whole experience was as good as I had remembered, and as good as I had built it up in my mind in the preceding days.

The next day was uncomfortable, uncomfortable because of how natural being around each other felt.  I kept yelling inside my head that I wanted her to leave, which I later realized was because I didn’t risk falling back into old patterns.  In the end however, I was glad she silently insisted on staying.  Seeing and being around her again in this clear and calmer state answered a lot of questions.  When I dropped her off Sunday morning before heading off to my weekly routine, she said, “See you soon…?” as she got out of the car, then peeked back in, as if to make sure I heard her.  I smiled and nodded, and then waved goodbye.

I’m still unsure how I really feel about the whole event.  I remind myself that I am not looking to get involved, but like her, I can’t help but miss the good times we did have over six months ago.  And she seems different now, a little wiser maybe, or perhaps a little less rigid in her desire for a perfect love.  Only time can provide the answer.

This dance with the past did teach me something important though, a lesson which might prove to be the final step towards resurrection.  At one point during our talk over drinks, M. said something that stopped my thoughts for more than a few seconds. “I should have ended it when I first knew that it wasn’t going to work, instead I cowardly waited for you to bring it up”.  I then reminded her that we in fact had two breakups, one of which did not stick, obviously, and that I felt that she had been direct with me (or as direct as I can expect) about how she felt concerning the relationship.  This triggered in me the realization that I have always been afraid to hurt someone the way I have been hurt in the past, the way I saw my mother hurt by my father.  I have been afraid to inflict heartbreak, have masked this fear with the rationalization that when I commit to a relationship, I do my absolute best to make it work.  Such a cop out.  Not all unions are meant to last, and so I should not approach love as if they are.  It’s simply unrealistic.

The final piece of the jigsaw, is how this until now hidden fear affected the most important relationship I’ve ever had.  My time with E. was a great learning experience, but even after the first six months, I felt there were signs that pointed towards us not working out.  From that point on, I always avoided serious discussions of a future together, because I did not want to go down that road until I was certain of how I felt.  This continued for another four years.  While I do not regret the time we spent together in any way, in retrospect I find my behavior unacceptable.  There were obvious times where my uncertainty in the relationship were apparent to her and others around us.  The sadness this caused her is clear to me now.

The only consolation here is that she was able to meet what just might be the love of her life, shortly after we separated.  Even though, I felt a lot of pain from this, I genuinely feel happy for her now.  I’m not sure I will ever tell her this, but at least it’s out there (Wow, I just felt a heavy weight being lifted as I typed that).  It’s nice to think that her time with me led her to where she is now, and that maybe I was not a complete waste of time.

As for myself, I think there will be a few more minor lessons before the year ends. For the most part, though, I think I’ve come to understand what the Universe has been trying to show me.  Where I go from here, is up to me.  And also up to my luck.

Posted in: lionheart, resurreccion by PrimeraEspada /
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Ahhhh.  Now this is familiar.  Not quite a physical illness, nor is it just a sickness of the psyche, this…dark feeling takes me back.  Back one year, to the end of my last job.  Back several years to failed relationships.  Back to high school, and back to childhood, both times enveloped in disappointment.

I shouldn’t be surprised to be revisited by my old comrade,  but I am.  For the last six weeks, I’ve been holding on to hope, trying to have faith that my patience for the whims of life will pay dividends.  Based on my self observation, it seemed to be working out well enough.  I’ve picked up the guitar again, and have rediscovered just how consumed I can become with it.  I’ve started following an online course, part of MIT’s Open Course Ware, which has inspired a new appreciation of my professional life.  I’ve yet to fall back into practicing Japanese, but I’m sure it’s just a matter of time.  Because there is too much time available, I’ll no doubt need something else to take some of it up.

Yet…even with all this, there remains a shadow.  It appears at the very corner of my vision.  I can feel it, floating all around me, a black mist trailing behind me, inexorable in it’s advance.  It knows it will consume me.  I know it will consume me.  It’s simply a matter of time.  It won’t be long before the desire to self destruct overwhelms.  It won’t be long before the desperate need to drown out the darkness of my mind precedes all else.  I turn the volume of my music up to stop the sound of my own thoughts, but it isn’t enough.  Soon, in the midst of my hateful existence, I will fall into the shadow.

I hate you, SweetSpirit, for bringing me to this place.  You certainly made me take the long road, but I’m here all the same.  I hate you for having the strength of will to make yourself.  I hate you, dearest, for being exactly who I want you to be.  I don’t know if our paths will cross again.  It’s certainly not impossible, but it has long felt improbable.  Our disconnection feels complete, and I am powerless to undo it.  There’s nothing left but to become a Heartless Angel, destined for self-ruination.

Suteki da ne…

Posted in: Stormy Weather, dark rants by PrimeraEspada /
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